Questions

I was, once again, reading through my new book called Listening To Your Life by Frederick Buechner today. It's full of all kinds of thought-provoking tidbits which always help me jump start my brain when I'm feeling particularly sluggish. A few minutes ago, I ran across a passage that was particularly hard hitting:

"Don't start looking in the Bible for the answers it gives. Start by listening to the questions it asks. We are much involved, all of us, with questions about things that matter a good deal today but will be forgotten by this time tomorrow - the immediate wheres and whens and hows that face us daily at home and at work - but at the same time we tend to lose track of the questions about things that matter always, life-and-death questions about meaning, purpose, and value. To lose track of such deep questions as these is to risk losing track of who we really are in our own depths and where we are really going. There is perhaps no stronger reason for reading the Bible than that somewhere among all those India-paper pages there awaits each reader whoever he is the one question which, though for years he may have been pretending not to her it, is the central question of his own life." (124-25)

I like to think of myself as a person who often dwells on deep principles and seeks out new and inspiring perspectives. But lately, I have been very guilty of sitting idly by and allowing outside sources to spoon feed me entertainment in an attempt to pass the time. I worry about things that need to be done today, or which need to be prepared for tomorrow, but other than that...I don't think much. I feel most alive when my brain is being stimulated by some cosmic question or creative challenge... and though I am aware of this self-truth, I lack the motivation to pull my brain out of it's current imaginative coma.

No matter how much I wish for a chance to get out of the house, do something exciting, take hundreds of pictures and ride the high of spontaneous amusement... that doesn't seem to be in the cards for me right now. So, instead of waiting for that sense of happy fulfillment to come from without, I need to look within and ask some of those questions that will hopefully stretch out my lethargic mental muscles. Reading books like this seems to be a good start. Back to it then!

Heroes

Every Sunday night, James and I love to watch 'Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" on ABC. For those who haven't seen it, it's a show where a team of contractors and designers surprise a very deserving family who, for one reason or another, are living in terrible conditions with a brand new luxury home. Often times they go above and beyond and provide these people with everything they have been lacking - from computers to cars to full ride scholarships for every child. It's also a very community-oriented show and so everyone who has been positively impacted by this family come to help with the construction, and in turn, the show does everything they can to help the community prosper. Without a doubt, it's the most wholesome and meaningful show on television right now, and I am not ashamed to say that I cry every week because these people's stories are so sad, but end so well.

This season, they've been focusing on honoring local heroes. So far we've seen all kinds of heroes - from families who adopt children with special needs who would otherwise be overlooked, to a correctional officer who devotes all of his time to helping young men turn their lives around, to a soldier who was wounded in battle but, due to a natural disaster, does not have a home to return to. The people on this show are not especially wealthy or beautiful or charismatic, but it is obvious that they are incredibly well loved by everyone they know. They do everything they can to help others, even though they have almost nothing. It's awesome seeing people who take what the Bible says about being a servant seriously, and are rewarded beyond their wildest dreams.

It's truly inspiring, and every week when I turn the TV off I wish that I could live a life that is worthy of something that incredible. And yet, I can't help but realize that these people are being honored and helped because their lives have been so hard for so long. I want my life to mean something and to be remembered, but at the same time I don't want to have to endure some of the hardships that these people have had to overcome. (How selfish is that?)

We all aspire to be heroes at some point in our life, but if truth be told, it's probably safer and easier to be average. It's hard to think that a prayer for God to use me in a big way may invite some terrifying challenges into our life. But...it would totally be worth it - not for us (we may never have a big pay off like these fortunate people on TV) - but because we would know that the world would be a better place because of our sacrifice. We've just got to trust that He would never throw something at us that we are not able to overcome.

So, I will pray in spite of my fear, for I want to be used in a BIG way for the benefit for others, no matter what that means.

An Unplanned Quest

Today, I experienced that all-too-familiar bitter sweet feeling that comes with finishing a great book series. It's been a couple years since I visited the fantastic lands of Middle Earth...so I decided to re-read the Lord of the Rings series, starting with The Hobbit, going all the way through the epic trilogy, and concluding with one of my favorite little books called Finding God in The Lord of the Rings. (For those of you who are Tolkien fans - no, I do not feel like attempting The Silmarillion. One time through was enough.)

After I put my book down, I reflected upon how much I've read since we got married. It seems I am now on an unplanned quest to read through my entire personal library, revisiting all of the beloved stories that I've collected over the years. In the past seven months, I've read 29 books! Most of them are a part of the many fantasy series that I love...The Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Inheritance, Song of Ice and Fire, Twilight... But while I am voraciously devouring these "lighter" books, I am also usually reading a more serious, faith related book (for when I need a substantive challenge.) Consequently, there are also many spiritual volumes that I have covered since the wedding...ranging in topic from God's purpose for marriage to the Spiritual Disciplines, to celebrating the little things, to a thought provoking take on the Gospel, presented in the new best seller called The Shack. Needless to say, my mind has wandered far and wide in the past few months.

After taking the fun little picture at the bottom of this post, I couldn't help but be struck with the sheer volume of fantasy literature that I own. This is something that most adults might be ashamed of... But, whether or not it's right or responsible, I am a Harry Potter nerd, and will always be. I don't know if it's because my parents put me in my play pen as a baby and had me watch Disney movies all afternoon while they taught private music lessons, of if it's because I developed a love of reading at an early age (thanks in part to my grandmother) and the "children's books" I was raised on all had a rather fantastic premise. I like to think it's my God-given desire for something far greater than what the world has to offer that draws me to these epic adventures. At any rate, they are far more exciting than my daily life in Del Rio (on weekdays, anyway) and help provide me with hours of entertainment and joy.

Now comes the fun part where I get to pick a new book!! Should I continue in this exciting vein of adventure stories and journey to the land of Narnia, or maybe go for a change of pace and pick up something like Pride & Prejudice or The Diary of Anne Frank? Hmm...I might have to sleep on it. =^)

Rant

I've just got to say that I am rather sickened by all of the hype and extravagance that is surrounding this inauguration. I respect Barak Obama as a politician and intend to support him as our president - AFTER he is inaugurated - but I am really frustrated by the way his rise to power is being handled.

Whether he willed it or not, the media have turned him into a pop culture icon, and have taken their interest in his political planning and personal life way too far. Is it really necessary for the world to know what his girls are going to eat for lunch on their first day of school? Apparently MSNBC thinks so. Every single news report has at least one story about what he is doing, or has done in the past, what he thinks, what he says, what his wife is wearing, what kind of dog he'll buy, how much his old car sold for on Ebay... It's nauseating. And Hollywood is lording their victory over the evil Bush regime by using the phrase "Yes we can!" as much as possible. Give me a break.

Just now I read an article saying that the inauguration celebration in Washington is costing $150,000,000...four times more than any past president has spent. In the meantime, President Bush has declared a national financial emergency. I am relieved that most of that money is not coming from our tax dollars...but I still think it is arrogant to spend that much money on unnecessary pomp and circumstance when a lot of people are struggling to pay their bills. I have a hard time taking Obama's talks about fixing our economy seriously when his team is spending so much effort and money on his own personal glory. It's wasteful. That money could have been spent on so many other things!

The worst part of it all is that he is setting a dangerous precedent here. He has turned the election process into a commercial stunt and has permanently raised the bar for how much candidates will be expected to spend in the future. His presidency has already been hyped up so much that there is no way he can live up to expectations. His supporters - nay...his fans - have turned him into an icon. (These giant banners with his face on them kind of hearken to the days of communist propaganda and it creeps me out...) He is the hero who has risen out of the minority and will bring the change we so desperately need... But what they fail to realize is that he is a man, and therefore is as susceptible to making mistakes as anybody else. And no matter how many great ideas he may have, he has to work with a lot of other strongly opinionated men and women, and go through a lot of red tape, before he can accomplish anything. So while he may indeed succeed in making some changes in his first term in office, nothing is really going to change in the next couple of months. And woe be to poor President (elect) Obama when all the news reporters and magazines and supporters change their tune - as they have for so many other celebrities - and express their bitter disappointment in his performance.

I just hope that after these "TWO MORE DAYS" are over and he is finally inaugurated that all of this extravagant publicity will die down and we can go back to having a respectable government again. Right now I feel like Obama will be taking his oath of office at a star-studded award show...hardly a humble way to make this commitment. I sincerely hope and pray that he will be able to rise above all of the hype, not let it go to his head, and make good on his many promises.

An Introduction...

"How to write a college admissions essay." I remember that being one of the most brutal topics we covered in my senior English class. My teacher made it sound like, no matter how smart or accomplished we thought we were, our essays would never be good enough for the strict college admissions boards who would be reading them. He would, however, be willing to go over them with us, and rip them apart as well as could so we might stand a chance. What a way to give us confidence as we moved on in our education! Already my classmates and I had sweated through the SAT and ACT exams, many of us taking them over and over again until our scores were high enough to qualify for the school of our choice. But now, on top of trying to pass our classes, participating in multiple after-school activities, and figuring out how to complete our National Honor Society volunteer hours by the end of the semester, we had to think about where we wanted to spend the next four years of our life and what we wanted to do there. Our day planners were full of due dates - some for homework, some for university applications, and - of course - there were dozens of scholarships to consider. Sadly, unlike our daily assignments, there would be no peace after these college applications were complete because that only meant it was time to wait and see if we would be accepted or rejected. I had heard that college is supposed to be the best time of your life, but I felt like it had kind of made my life into a living nightmare.

I think high school kids these days are being given a very one-sided view of what getting an education is all about. Because academic excellence is such a determining factor in how much funding a school receives, students are being pressured more than ever to make top marks and apply to prestigious schools. It used to be that applying for college was only discussed in detail when students began preparing to take the SAT and ACT exams at the end of their junior year. But now, orientations for incoming freshman focus more on succeeding in college than they do on succeeding in high school! Right off the bat these boys and girls are lectured about how important it is to choose the right classes and maintain a high GPA so that they will be eligible for a rigorous four year university. Electives and extra curricular programs designed to help students broaden their horizons and discover their talents are being cut from the budget. Recreation, creativity and individual expression are being down-played in favor of traditional scholarship. All the while, these kids are laboring under the weight of this idea (often, though unintentionally, planted by college counselors) that unless they have a perfect report card and get accepted into a "good" school, they will never get the job they want. No wonder applying to college is often more intimidating than exciting!

Most young people I have talked to believe that going to college and getting a degree is something you do purely out of a desire to get a high paying job. While that may be the general idea behind a higher education, I think teens would really benefit from hearing what we college graduates have learned from experience - that college is about so much more than just going to class and earning a degree. Classes and homework only fill so many hours of the day (sometimes too many...). But outside of the world of academia there are countless opportunities to be challenged and encounter things that are altogether new and unexpected and wonderful! Somewhere between learning how to survive on one's own, figuring out how to build meaningful and lasting relationships, and actively pursuing one's dreams, each student gets to define who they are as a person and begin their life anew. I often felt that the most important lessons I learned during my years in college came from outside of the classroom. College is not about learning to be a student, it is about learning to be an adult - and that extends far beyond the career field into every facet of our being. Indeed, most college graduates that I have talked to say that choosing to attend one school over another was crucial - not because it gave them the key to achieving their career goals - but because the experiences they had at that specific institution helped shape them into the people they are today.

This is especially true when it comes to spirituality. Up until this point, most children have lived with whatever spiritual guidance their parents have given them, and may not have given much thought to their religion. However, when they go off to college, their eyes will inevitably be opened to many different ways of thinking and acting. They will then be at a great crossroads in their life: do they choose to live by faith, or do they allow other priorities to consume them? Unless a student takes the initiative to join a church or seek out Christian fellowship, their spiritual life is guaranteed to suffer. Without a strong sense of moral guidance, it is far too easy to slip into all kinds of unhealthy habits that will harm one's studies, personal health, and relationships. I believe that very few young Christians deliberately walk away from the church. It's more likely that their faith simply falls by the wayside as a result of poor social influences or a lack of motivation. (Sleeping in on Sundays is way easier than getting up for church, trust me!)

Therefore, I think it would be a big help for students - especially those who have grown up in the church - to be aware of the many things that they will encounter upon entering the collegiate universe, and to have a source of guidance and encouragement when it comes to making the most of their time. There are all kinds of books out there about learning to survive in college, but I think that is a very low aspiration. This book dives deeper into the emotional and spiritual realms and gives some practical advice about how to really live it up. College can and will be one of the best times in a young person's life if only they will strive to thrive!

Human Limitations

For Christmas, my mother-in-law gave us a couple of books by one of her favorite Christian authors - Frederick Buechner. I was flipping through one of them this afternoon while searching for some inspiration, and happened upon this paragraph, which I found very insightful when it comes to dealing with the difficult phases of life.

"When it comes to putting broken lives back together...the human best tends to be at odds with the holy best. To do for yourself the best that you have it in you to do - to grit your teeth and clench your fists in order to survive the world at its harshest and worst - is, by that very act, to be unable to let something be done for you and in you that is more wonderful still. The trouble with steeling yourself against the harshness of reality is that the same steel that secures your life against being destroyed secures your life also against being opened up and transformed by the holy power that life itself comes from. You can survive on your own. You can grow strong on your own. You can even prevail on your own. But you cannot become human on your own. Surely that is why, in Jesus' sad joke, the rich man has as hard a time getting into Paradise as that camel through the needle's eye because with his credit card in his pocket, the rich man is so effective at getting for himself everything he needs that he does not see that what he needs more than anything else in the world can be had only as a gift. He does not see that the one thing a clenched fist cannot do is accept, even from le bon Dieu himself, a helping hand."

~ From Listening to Your Life: Daily Meditations with Frederick Buechner, p. 13

Theoretical Phrases

Have you ever heard any of those theoretical phrases, like this one:

"If a tree falls in a forest but no one was around to hear it, did it really make a sound?"

Well, I've come up with my own.

"If you lock your tiny, yappy dog in your master bathroom before going to work, did it really whine all day even though you were not around to hear it?"

The answer to that one is YES - to the great annoyance of your neighbors.

I can't wait till we get to move into a house where we don't share any walls with other people.

A New Year, A New Purpose

Well, that long awaited week when our lives change abruptly from uneventful relaxation to really working as we should has finally come. Right now, James is on base preparing to begin his next phase of pilot training - TOMORROW. (So crazy!) He will have one more night with nothing specific to do before he jumps back into working 12 hour days and studying at night. We have definitely enjoyed getting to spend so much time together since we got married, and it will be a hard transition for the both of us. I know he feels bad about leaving me at home alone for that long every day, but I also know he's really excited to finally move on in his career and start flying again. There's nothing better than feeling like you are doing something meaningful with your life. 

I'm excited to find ways to support him as he is so busy...whether it's packing him lunches or making sure dinner is on the table when he gets home, quizzing him on his memorization or finding ways to help him relax once his work is finished. How well he does in this next phase of training determines the course of our future so I want to do anything and everything I can to help him succeed.

Over the past few days, I've been thinking a lot about what I am going to do with myself during the long hours that he is at work. I've got plenty of things to keep me occupied - I have a whole stack of books I would like to read, tons of new movies to watch, a few art projects, and I've started trying to exercise more... But, I think that stuff is all selfish busy work, and is not really benefiting me much. I've come to terms with the fact that the past seven months were meant as a time for rest and relationship building for me and my husband. But now that he is off working, I feel like I should also be doing something purposeful with my time and talents. I don't have a job outside the house, and photo work is extremely limited...but I still want to have something tangible to show for my time in Del Rio.

Recently, I've received a lot of encouragement to write. An idea has been swimming around in my head for the past couple of months, and I have finally decided to act on it. As many of you know, I was invited to fly out to Carbondale this past October and speak as an alumni at the InterVarsity Fall Retreat. The theme of the weekend was learning to thrive in college. If you think about it, there are a ton of books out there about how to survive in college...but if that's all you're aiming for, what happens if you fall short of the goal? The IV leaders felt it was important to challenge the students (especially the freshman) to dig deeper into the Spirit and commit to really making the most of their college experience. The idea of thriving in college has continued to intrigue me since then, and I've decided to try to write a book on the subject. It probably won't come to anything, but I know myself and my God well enough now that I know I shouldn't continue to ignore this creative impulse.

It was really cool because I made the decision to really try and do this late on Saturday night (I usually have my craziest and most creative thoughts late at night...) and then, as usual, I woke up on Sunday morning asking myself - "What was I thinking??" But then we went to church and Pastor Joe gave a sermon on persisting in your faith. At the end of the sermon he stepped out from behind the podium and said, "If God's given you a dream, I want you to persist in it." Wow. I always think it's awesome how God can speak to you directly from a sermon, even if it was written with a completely different purpose in mind. I definitely needed to hear that word of divine encouragement.

I have a dream - and it's to help inspire and enrich the lives of college students all over the country. So, I'm going to try this out and see how it goes. At the very least, it will give me something to do every day, and will - I'm sure - help me learn and grow in my faith as well. So wish me luck!!

Looking Back on 2008

Last year's New Year's celebration was much like this one...

Unremarkable save for our decision to ring it in on the big screen.

The melodious gore of 'Sweeney Todd' was hardly festive or fitting,

But what mattered was that I was cringing along side the love of my life.

In the following weeks I was reunited with an old friend

And spent one glorious day making up for years of estrangement.

All too soon it was time to pack my bags and fly back to Illinois

Where I had one more semester before everything would change.

Before I even had time to settle back into my dorm room,

It was back to the airport for a weekend jaunt down to Del Rio.

James was graduating from pilot training with honors,

And I needed to be there to pin on his wings.

The next couple months were a storm of activity and of atmosphere.

Catastrophic flooding and back-to-back ice storms impeded the rhythm

Of the classes, Intervarsity meetings, and wedding plans that filled my day.

From 8 am-10 pm, I was immersed in the best of my college experience.

At the height of it all, my beloved iBook unexpectedly died,

As did our refrigerator, my roomie's cell phone and car, and our TV remote.

We joked that gremlins snuck into our room and were destroying our things.

We never joked about the gremlins that were tearing at our friendship.

I spent a lot of time in the student center Starbucks that spring.

In that small store, I offered what wisdom I had to the younger IV members

While learning more than expected about life, faith and love in discipleship.

I was discipled, and discipled others, and was never without a challenge.

It was at IV's 'Metamorphosis' conference that the groundwork was laid

For all that God would try to teach me in the months after my marriage.

I signed up for the "After College" track only because it was for seniors,

But walked away with humility and a need to embrace God's plan, not mine.

It was about this time that the emotional crisis began as I realized

The magnitude of the changes I was about to make. I would graduate,

And leave my friends behind, get married, and move away from home -

To Del Rio, where I had to figure out how to be an Air Force wife & an adult.

Everything seemed to be moving so fast, I didn't want to miss anything.

Over spring break, I bought my wedding dress and prepared to move out.

Somehow I figured out how to complete my senior thesis film on time.

And with training & leadership selection complete, my time in IV was over.

Before I knew it, May had come and it was time to say good bye.

There were parties galore, and I packed, and suddenly my family arrived.

Graduation was wonderful and emotional - as it should be,

And with a last taste of my Midwestern culinary favorites, I was on a plane.

In almost no time, the week of the wedding arrived. With a dance,

A cold day in Falcon Stadium, and a mountain-top experience, it was time.

The wedding day was perfect, with thousands of moments to treasure,

And a long-awaited mountain retreat where we got to rest as man and wife.

The summer began on the road, as James and I drove all over the South

Before being able to really settle into our new apartment and life.

I had fun unpacking and building the foundation for a home and a marriage.

With the discovery of new friends, everything seemed to be looking up.

Despite my daily inactivity, the months flew by. Between softball games,

Our trip to California to see our new niece and me speaking at Intervarsity,

We got to October in no time. When some of our friends moved away,

We committed to attending Bible Studies and investing in our new church.

The holiday season this year has been truly magical!

Spending Thanksgiving at a family reunion meant the world to me,

And I went all out, decorating and planning for our first Christmas together.

Friends, parties, and our joy at being together iced our Christmas cake.

Now it's New Year's Eve again, and looking back at how far I've come,

I can't help but marvel at how much God can accomplish in a short time.

I feel like I am in a completely different place now than I was back then.

I can't help but wonder about all that is in store for me in the year 2009!!